Do You Ever Feel Like You’re Ruining Your Life????
Written by: Aduke Akinwumi
October 24th, 2025
OmGGGG
Hi, i have not made a blog post in a while, well rather i have not made a literary blog post in a while. Which is my bad i have been feeling deeply demotivated for the last bit it might have something to do with the change of seasons or my increase of workload as my semester has started up again either way i feel very *deflated ballon*
Naturally I think I'm a very easygoing and chill person, but this also transfers over to my motivation levels. I am a very ambitious person true, but I find it so easy to just lay in bed and scroll on my phone for 12 hours straight omgggg.
I just feel weird lately. There’s internal pressure to succeed, external pressure to make money. And I'm just like I want to take my foot off the gass. Lwk i think i have a bit im definitely not going as hard as i was during the summer but i think that natural? I should listen to the ebb and flow of my body right?
But what about the fact that listening to my natural rhythm makes me feel like I'm falling behind and doing irreparable damage to my future? I'm at that super funn and fantastic age (22) where everything feels so deeply consequential. Feeling out of sorts at a gathering and failed to network? Oops an opportunity just passed you by, wanting 10 extra minutes of sleep? Oops a deadline was moved up, and you can no longer apply, wanting to literally just spend one week not focused on exactly where i am going and my goals and what I am doing? Unfortunately, this reflects a deep unseriousness in your soul.
Lol idk ik im being dramatic but life feels very dramatic right now
I think I was/am having a crisis of faith Lwk but like. Not religion wise. Art practice wise. Part of the demotivation has been like, what am I doing this for? Like why am i trying sooo hard like yes i have my own personal artistic ambition i want to be ubiquitous to art and creation and all but I'm like to what end. Like? I think this also deeply has to do with the fact that I'm about to graduate and I feel deep civil unrest due to the sociopolitical factors of our present reality. But still knowing things logically doesn't stop me from feeling like I've wasted time/ I am wasting time.
There's this huge tension that I feel around marketing myself and pushing my work 10x more and admittedly I should push my work more. In the new year I think I would benefit from an advertising campaign or two just to really hone in on my voice and my vision but also. I like the state now, I'm messy and small and post when I want to. I don't focus on the aesthetics of my page too much; I communicate with you all honestly. Or as honestly as I can bear. But the pressure of monetary gain is straightening my back guys. So severely. Like how do I make more money from this without industrializing my process and my work.
So maybe I feel like I'm ruining my life because I have not given into the external forces telling me to commodify myself as a market product for you to consume. I do not want you to just consume me. I want to be heard and felt and interacted with. I do not care to just create to sell what is the fun in that right. But with this I seriously need to tighten up my finances.
With all this said tho monetarily i do alright the markets and shows have paid me and i feel very grateful I'm just looking to find a harmony that will take me to the next stage of my career as well. I do want to do more, and I want to be more. I just need to reconcile this with my desire to be lazy every once in a while.
#22 #help #ily # Sighhhhh
literally me rn
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