How do you know you exist?

How do you Know you Exist?

I have this question that follows me around every once in a while. When the day has been too long, when I haven't moved my body enough, when I haven't eaten, when I'm around people....

I wonder.

Do I exist? Am I real? Am I alive?.

How do I know I am?.

Is it through the people I know? those who know me? the things i've made? what I do? what I think?.

Do I exist?.

How do I prove I exist? To myself?.

I don't know.

I don't know why I need to know.

I don't know why I ask.

It’s not a conscious question.

It’s always there at the back of my mind. I was listening to I want you to love me by Fiona Apple for the first time a few afternoons ago; in her second verse she goes.

“I know none of this will matter in the long run, but I know a sound is still a sound around no one”.

This has been the strongest argument in the affirmative for my existence.

In a very literal sense I think I exist because a sound is still a sound around no one.

But, since the question still pops up even, after my personal musings on the topic. I decided to Interview 3 friends; Binny, Toni and Sope to get their perspective on self and existence.

The interview was held virtually with everyone except Sope, and it consisted of 3 questions

1. Do you exist?

2. How do you know you exist?

3. The third question was determinant on how the first two questions were answered and varied from person to person .

Binny, She/Her, (23). Writer & Community Organizer.

Question 1 - Do you exist?
(however you interpret that is fine)

Answer - “'I’m not fully there yet”

I found it interesting that Binny started by her answer dissecting what existence is to begin with. I have thought about the definition of existence as well and I find it hard to quantify. It was illuminating to see how she ran through the different ways you can exist in relation to natural things (trees, leaves) and to your relationships.

Her relationship to existing seems recent as she notes “existing as myself, like coming into the knowledge of who I am, Im awaking to that, so i'm not fully there yet but i'm opening up to that”

Question 2 - How do you know you exist ?

Answer- “Because of the things you are bound to & through my solitude”

I think Binny took a really interesting approach to understanding how do you know you exist?. She says “I have no choice but to pay my bills, I have no choice but to go to work, I have no choice but to take care of my health [...] what you’re bound to will definitely shock you into existence.”

She plays with the idea that to exist you don’t really need to be fully realized in yourself expression or be a well-rounded human being, existence requires you to show up for whichever obligations you may have, the rest is irrelevant.

She contrasts this however with the idea of her solitude “there are moments where I feel like I've come up for air in a way when I spend time with myself, when I'm doing a paint by numbers or cook a really nice meal for myself. Just taking care of myself and being as kind to myself as I know how to, until what I know grows.”

I think Binny touches on a beautiful contrast in existence that is a bit hard to grasp sometimes. Though the things you are bound to do don’t require you to have time to yourself or know yourself or be kind to yourself doing these things make us feel like we exist to some extent. It's easy to feel see through when you’ve barely had a moment to listen to your favorite songs or eat a yummy meal, but the feeling of transparency doesn't necessarily mean you no longer have your physicality.

Question 3 - Since Binny had touched on the layered definitions of existence as well as feeling like she had just currently started coming into existence, I decided to ask her, what does existence mean for you?

Answer- “Existence for me if self-acceptance”

Here I see Binny follow the thread of where she left off on the how do you know you exist? question. Existence has to feel like you're honoring yourself for her. She speaks about facing rejection on multiple fronts of her intersectional identity, first in her early years for being herself in her home country, Nigeria. Then also facing similar rejection for being an immigrant once she relocated. Then she faced rejection from interpersonal relationships in college and being gay in these spaces as a whole.

These experiences are enough to make anyone dissociate from who they truly are and feel as though they are just being pushed through life so it makes sense that for Binny her tie to existence lies in accepting yourself “In accepting myself I'm able to not take rejection as a suggestion on telling me who I should be.”

Binny’s answer is eloquent in and full of vulnerability. Thank you so much for allowing me to interview you. Her final words on the topic ring strong and I hope we all get a chance to hear it.

“Accepting those different layers of myself I think then strengthens my magnet.. In attracting people who are genuinely for me… just being myself.. Just then letting go is another aspect of it.

Letting go of what's not for me because…the alternative to not ejecting, rejecting, and revolting like literal vomit is poisoning yourself.

Poisoning your mind against your own sense of self and being and i just don't think anyone in the world deserves that because i think it took the grace of good for each and every one of us to exist at this time… in this same life time, and so just like honing in on radical accepting your unique ness and holding boundaries and letting go of things that don't align with that.”

Binny thinks she exists though she feels like she is just starting. It was lovely to speak to someone whose thought process falls so closely to my own. Binny knows she exists through her solitude and building herself acceptance. It is crucial to let go of things that are not for you and be kind to yourself; for her the main part of existence is coming into the knowledge of yourself.

Toni, He/They (23). I just be here lol.

Question 1 - Do you exist?
(however you interpret that is fine)

Answer- “I definitely do exist”

Toni had the most matter of fact answer to this question which made me chuckle, their straightforwardness cut through my own uncertainty I've felt about the topic. We definitely do exist I thought after listening to his voice note “against our consent” but we exist.

Question 2 - How do you know you exist?

Answer- “Cause and effect & Existential thoughts”

Toni took me more into the physicality of existence “well I know I exist because I can cause things in my reality to change” here he’s speaking both about the physicality of being able to touch and push things to the ways that relationships are formed due to our presence.

Toni in the second half of his answer also brought up how their perspective was based on bonds with others but quickly moved on to another thought about how the act of questioning one's existence is a strong indicator for existence itself. “I feel like if I didn’t live… if i wasn’t here, I wouldn’t be thinking about that.”

I really enjoyed Toni’s point of view. It felt pragmatic and matter of fact, based in the physical reality and not concerning yourself with the metaphysical musings I often find myself tumbling down. Though like Toni realized himself in the small snippet he sent, it's interesting to view your existence through the lens of your ability and your bonds to others. This makes me think of the days you touch nothing, and talk to no one. Is it still so easy to be firm and matter of fact in the knowledge that you exist; in these instances or do these actions also create an effect that can also be used as substantive evidence to one's existence.

Question 3- Toni seemed very firm in his presence, which made me think of absence. I thought it would be interesting to hear, how do you think things would be different if you didn’t exist?

Answer- “A lot of things would be different”

I think this is a confronting question, I’m asking him to ponder a pit on mortality and absence but Toni jumped into this imagined world without hesitation “I think a lot of things would be different if i didn't exist” He touches on his family dynamic being different, his friends who met though him and even the girls, gays and theys that bite his vibe. “I'm a source of joy!” Toni exclaims and for those who don’t know him I can confirm Toni is a source of joy, and even as I think on it now if I never met him I definitely would be a bit different too and I would feel it.

I love Toni and I'm so glad I got the chance to hear their perspective. It is so refreshing to hear from someone so joyous and sure of their impact and existence. Toni doesn’t just think he exists but knows it as well and quantifies it through his own internal investigations and the bonds that they have made through living life.

Sope, He/Him, (19). Student & Fashion Designer.
(Since I was able to interview Sope in person you will hear me on the tape speaking with him and asking some of these questions directly).

Question 1 - Do you exist?
(however you interpret that is fine)

Answer- “I do believe I do exist”

Sope, much like Binny and myself started to question in what sense do we mean exist. He delved into a more metaphysical understanding though saying “I do believe I do exist in the sense of having consciousness, mind over matter.” Sope opened up a different line of thinking for me when he mentions the limitations of human perception. Here I understand it as our idea of existence is limited as we cannot actually perceive all things “what we see isn’t truly what it is” speaking to the depth that can be found in the term existence; but the fact we can even observe this is “a fact of knowing you exist”

Question 2 - How do you know you exist?

Answer- “Ability to take actions”

Sope falls into the pragmatic category for this question as well. He notes the reason he knows he exists is his ability to take actions. Framing existence as the actions you are able to take brings light to what you are able to do, I suppose and the fact that you can do anything at all is enough to confirm one's existence.

Question 3 - Since through the first two questions Sope seemed to have a point of view that fell in between Binny’s and Toni’s. For his third question I wanted to see what his grasp on existence was. I asked, what do you think existence means? what is it to exist?

Answer- “Your belief of existence is determined by your conscious thinking; it could also be the sense of feeling, the fact that you feel. ...”

On this question , Sope took his time, and I could see he was running through multiple scenarios and explanations in his mind before he answered. In his first answer he had hinted at his idea that existence is varied and complex and he fell deeper into that thought here.

He started with existence in the physical state, the 3d world then zoomed out from that; circling back to his original thought on the limitation of human perception.

I agree that human prescription does not have the final say on existence; we can't even see all the colors that exist. To this point Sope says “but to say their other things that exist that you can’t perceive would that decline the fact that they don't exist because you can't observe them?”

This thread leads him to the mental aspect of things as he puts it thinking about how different people might not have the ability to make any physical impact, but they still exist “you’re just not affecting the realm you belong to”

As Sope brings up many different ways to define existence “Is existence thinking or is existence actions” or “Is it being observed or not being observed” he also goes down a spiritual line of thought “we do say God exists he cannot be observed. He observes us from what we think” which I hadn’t even considered in my own investigation. Many people are deeply religious and deeply spiritual and to them their faith and beliefs are fully existent; but how would you define existence when including these non-physical ideas and beliefs.

Sope talks on and as he tries to categorize these very different types of existence, I started to understand the route his mind was taking you’ll hear me interject with my own understanding of his points “the way you’re conceptualizing it is almost through energy”

This is what we settled on as we apple a bit more existence is about energy, the energy you put to things, the energy it takes to move a cup in the physical realm, the energy it takes to have an idea you hope to act on, the energy it takes to hold firm in your beliefs and ideals. I think the energy that is given to you when you’re born, and you keep up through eating and reading and taking care of yourself quantities existence in this line of thought. Though I'm sure Sope would interject and mention that there is still a form of energy you carry before you are born and before you exist physically you ‘exist’ in some form elsewhere.

My interview with Sope opened up my mind to the various different strains of existence including parts that I had not previously considered. Though this I think I found a comfortable enough definition for existence, I can understand existing as energy just as easily as I can understand it as self-care/acceptance, or the effect of your presence/absence.

I think it's good and honestly necessary to talk to your friends when you’re questioning existence. Though I found it a bit intresting that everyone was affirmed in their existance, since i run into moments personally when i whould probly anwser I dont know or No to that question. From this I think I've taken away that existence is layered and varied, and I think I DO exist. I don’t think knowing this will stop the question from finding me in the future but at least I will be able to think it through a bit more now.
Existance It gets a bit more complicated when we go into what it means to feel as though you exist and what you use to quantify existence but to me, I exist. Not because of my relation to anyone else, or what I do and its effect on others.

I just am, I suppose.